Even Machines Malfunction

Running injuries flat out suck.  They take their toll on your psychological state ever much as your physical.  After Monday’s run, I am finding myself back in unwanted territory of a bum hip – remaining, TRYING to remain positive, I must admit that a depressed feeling has infested my body.

Back in August after this race, before my first Marathon, I was injured taking me away from running and confined to non-impact cross training.  That means no running.  No running for 4 weeks.  During that time off of running I rethought my current state of fitness and WHY I was always getting injured. Main problems:

1) I was not fueling or treating my body properly
2) I was trying to run at a level higher than what my body was ready for  - 'unrealistic goals some say'

Throughout those 4 weeks I mentally had to prepare to approach my life in a new way.  I needed support to combat disordered thoughts towards fueling my body and I needed knowledge to approach running in an effective manner.  When I commit to something, I give my all. And I gave my all to this.  I gave my all to this sport, to this world of running.


As I approached running again after my Aug. injury I took all of the precautions (stretching, strengthening, cross training, ice baths, slow mileage base building, compression gear) but most importantly, I approached running as a new, person.  A stronger person who was finally getting the fuel needed to Build My Machine.

Up until Monday, I have been overly happy with my progress. My body and my mind were feeling stronger… not only stronger running; but stronger that I have ever felt in my life.  I have been practicing eating a healthy, well-balance meal plan, I built my way up to a nice base mileage averaging 50/week, I was getting faster, cross-training like a maniac, and having so much more energy and drive than I had several years past.  I truly thought I had figured out all the mechanics of my machine and it was running at a VERY efficient manner.       

Then came the fear… small twitch in the hip.  I disregarded it as nothing and ran anyways.  The ‘small twitch’ turned into pain, still, I disregarded it as nothing and ran anyways. ‘Embrace the suck, right?’ Mile 7.2… I stopped. To. Freaking. Late. As I hobbled my way back to my office, I could not tell if I was crying because it HURT or- if I was crying because I was so pissed I was walking. I had done EVERYTHING right, I was following the rules, I was eating enough, I was strengthening, cross-training… I was taking all the small precautions recommended to avoid this shit.  Why was MY machine malfunctioning?

Crutches the first 2 days. IcyHot. Heating Pads. Ice. Is what I have been doing.  The only form of exercise is arm weights and stretching.  Yesterday I attempted to get in the pool… hurt too bad.  Today I am hobbling around WITHOUT the crutches so I will try the pool again.  How Overwhelming and frustrating.  The situation makes me feel worthless and like a failure.  I read on Sonja Wieck’s page about us ‘A’ type personalities and control.  ‘When struggling with aspects in life, its really easy to disappear into training… stick your head in a hole…lose control in life and we aim to control other things.’ I was controlling my machine. Now I am not and it flat out sucks.

I see people running down the road and I feel angry and pissed off.  Why am I observing them and not DOING. (my thoughts)  Runners are not complacent people.  We are not stagnant.  We are motivated, obsessive, perfectionists, habitual, and we most certainly don’t throw in the towel.  We push ourselves because we like the pain... the anguish of pushing to a level which takes our breath away.  WHY AM I NOT RUNNING!
 

What really pisses me off is people just don’t ‘get it’ and think I have fell off my rocker to be this upset.  I hate to use the word ‘depression’… seems so heavy, but that is what it feels like.  So I am being a big negative Nancy – sorry. I truly do realize I could have much worse things happen to me. I admire reading those athletes, like Teresa,  whom have picked themselves up and came back with a vengeance – I am inspired by that, and deep down reassures me that I will recover, I will continue building my machine, and this too will pass.

 I saw a comment on another blog awhile back that I found truly fitting (sorry I don’t have the source whoever you are) “I’m frankly blown away that an athletic injury can have such a remarkable impact on my psyche, especially given that my athletic endeavors are entirely personal, not professional.  But there ya go…  It’s devastating.  Yet I continue to try and pull myself up.  And recover I will.”
 

Is to be recovered by Monday too much to ask???????????

 Arizona 26.2 is on January 15th - 

My machine better be in FULL remission by then. :D